III

ove is not a subject easily associated with our hero. Though I revere it and seek to critically depict it in my works, the state of two souls entwined by a love is something that I had yet to experience. I do feel as qualified to speak on love as any astronomer is qualified to speak about the stars though they have yet to tread upon them. Love is the firmament: that splendored dome of light and beauty that overarches the whole of our collective existence, sheltering us and amazing us. As we reach for it, we grow greater. As we shrink from it we wither.

Early in my life, when I saw the ways that a young man's mind worked, I was shocked at how discordant it was with commonly held ethics. A young man, wandering in the desert of life, is tempted by the feminine form to lie and conspire to gain his earthly desires. The adult self that he had chosen to direct himself toward is suddenly changed and he alters his appearance, clothing, habits, and dialogues to not be what he once thought was his ideal but to what will gain him the attraction of the females of the species. More sadly, he does not truly wish these changes but rather adopts them as a mask while continuing to harbour his earlier dreams of self. He begins to lead his lie. I will not pay homage to a love that demands a lie.

"Fie!" I hear you say, "Fie! The whole point, the entire intent of Love is as a catalyst for positive change." and I would agree with you but argue in my turn with an analogy where I talk about how fire can be a catalyst for change in ice whereby it transmutes into water. While it is fine and reasonable that ice will change to water when consumed by the passionate fire, it is not reasonable for ice to franticly agitate itself in an effort to change itself into water so that fire will come. It would be equally as preposterous to have ice lie very still in a shallow pool to try to trick fire into thinking that it is already water even while it remains resolutely solid. Changing yourself so that you can find love is like getting drunk so that you can be more charming.

This is why I arrived in Florence alone, carrying all of my meagre possessions upon my back and was without any obligation to return to anyplace at anytime, ever. I was feeling uncomfortable on Anne's sofa, which was, in point of contention, Maria's sofa but this had less to do with lumpy cushions than a desire to be unbeholden to either of the girls. We'd had a good few long talks since I had arrived on her doorstep and were rebuilding our bond though it need be remarked that time had put space between us.

Eventually I found myself a cheap apartment that decadently had two narrow windows. If the kitchen and bedroom shared a space I could be thankful that the washroom was separate and it is always a plus to be able to shower and brush one's teeth while still sitting on the toilet. It was furnished with a bed, one chair, and a 3-drawer dresser that for the time being would also serve as my table. I'd brought my own plastic plate so t'would be impossible to let dirty dishes pile up. Once the sleeping bag was unfurled and my winter jacket bound up to serve as a pillow, I knew that I could be at home here. It wasn't so much that I was aiming to be a starving artist but I was aiming to be an artist and I was pacing myself for a long haul of poverty. There were some monies that I could beg off of family if it came to that but I'd be working off of meagre savings until I reached that recourse. Having secured my apartment I sat down to dinner in a restaurant once more with my friend.

"You understand, Anne" I stated while working on the dregs of my lasagne, " that though I'll be in town, not a thirty minute walk from your shop, I shall be making a point of not seeing you often."

Her casual smile faltered and she leaned forward to ask why but even as she did so the understanding came. It was a tentative shrug that her shoulders gave as she sat back again to say "You will not vex me unless you do indeed not come to see me from time to time. Is once a month too much? We could do dinner."

My brain made fleeting financial calculations before I dismissed it with a wave of my hand. I tossed up a reassuring smile and replied, "Yes, we will meet for dinner on the first of each month. I'll have no phone ", I grinned, "So we'd best make detailed plans now."

Then we playfully laid out our schedule for the next six months and when the bill was paid and we parted with an imbalanced embrace, I walked away confident that she would not feel my unbidden presence upon her life. Anne had done me a great service and her hospitality will never be forgotten. As much as I enjoyed her company she fully deserved to be cleanly relieved of any responsibility for my health and well being. There I was, alone in a city of strangers forcing myself apart from the one soul I knew. Well, there was Maria of course but she looked distrustfully down her nose at me and for my part I sided with her ex-boyfriend.

Over the next weeks I did enjoy the freedom of having no society. My landlord and neighbours were but walking phantasms and I now recollect none of them more than the hawker at the train station. No needs but mine own needed to be met and no voice called my attention from where I wished it to be. Rising and falling as whim or artificial regime possessed me, my days could be spent reading, working, or on those long thoughtful excursions that all brooding loners appreciate so very much. I was taskmaster to my own slave and there were none to chide me for letting myself off too lightly or being too abusive. As an experiment, it was a perfect petrie dish wherein I could see clearly and with certainty who exactly I was. There were no others to modify the self with neither randomness nor intention. Success or failure as an artist at least (and as a person perhaps) was dependent entirely upon myself.

This then was the state that a man finds himself in when he will not steer his course toward love and human relationships but instead casts himself adrift on a sea of self-determination and defiance..

The day-old chick had lifted his wings wide and ungracefully plummeted the great distance from the nest to land soundlessly into the world. Now it but had to stumble off disoriented and bring down some bison for its meal and feed upon its flesh.

IV